Tuesday, Jul 15, 2008

Goldynet and the three Developers

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The Story of GoldyNet and the three Developers

One day, a very long time ago, in a far far far away land called Microsoft there lived a Network Administrator called Goldynet.

Goldynet worked in a big shiny office full of magical creatures like the Project eating Managers, and the terrible trolls of the Human Resource crushers.

Also in this magical shiny office lived three developers. A Senior Developer, a beta tester and a little little little baby recruit.

One day, the three developers left the office, being that it was five O clock spot, and time to run off to the magical land of drinky drinky.

Goldynet that same day, by just sheer co-incidence of course (And absolute NO other reason, NONE!) decided to re-install the network servers. Because being a perfect network

administrator, every ran absolutely perfectly. And she was bored. And there was no discontent or unhappy users (or managers) because Goldynet had their access completely

stripped and had them mysteriously fired the next day.

So Goldynet, being bored, decided to completely wipe out the operating from scratch and test all the backup and restores.

Now being a very smart and power network Administrator, Goldynet had written all of this in Powershell scripts, and thus could just sit about and wait while everthing just

magically reinstalled itself.

Now of course, Goldynet, being that he (hey we didn't actually say Goldynet was a woman did we, oh you silly people! Naughty naughty silly people!) HE was absolutely bored

stiff. So Goldynet decided it was high time and very good to start some exploring! Yes adventure!

Now everytime Goldynet was in the office, the developers were in their little magic land. They were not happy people they saw Goldynet and would wag their and say "Go away! Go

away! You are restricting our access! Go away! This is our private land!"

So naturally, being a polite (and very sneaky!) Network Administrator, Goldynet avoided the developers magic room. Because it had that sign that said "KEEP OUT, DEVELOPERS

ONLY. DO NOT ENTER OR YOU WILL BE EATEN BY A GRUE"

Goldynet didn't like the thought of being eaten by a grue. But tonight, Goldynet, noticed that the sign fell off. So since the sign suggested not to enter the FLOOR as per say

(which was a silly thought anyhow) Goldynet, used her magic all door lock opening key (100 LB SLEDGE HAMMER) and opened the door to the developers office.

Now Goldynet was completely and utterly bored and very curious. And had complete and utter access to the entire swarm of operating system features. That and Goldynet was

drunk. What else do you do at 2:00am with a reinstalling network cluster and restoring backups of exabytes of data?

So now have a situation involving a drunken network adminstrator, who's very smart, very bored and very very very mischieovus.

And three completely and helpless development systems.

So the first computer was HUGE and SUPER POWERFUL. But it didn't have anything really fun to play with. Because the senior developer was a smart person, and kept all of his

personal data and applications on his encrypted memory key. His platform was actually rather only of interest to developers. So Goldynet looked about, played with the

machine and moved on to the next computer.

The next computer was even more powerful. But it was full of Beta software, which wouldn't properly interact with all the fun stuff on the network. It had some games to play,

with but they were in Beta test, so the games kept crashing. So Goldynet went on to the next computer

The third computer was just right. Plenty of space and power because it was owned by the little little little baby recruit. The little baby recruit was given a powerful

computer to entice him. However, the little baby recruit was also busy filling the computer with games of wonder and mp3's and filthy filthy wonderful filthy movies. So

Goldynet, of course naturally played with this computer the most. Then of course naturally completely backed it all up and and replaced the computers guts with a Commodore 64

inside.

So Goldynet, feeling all inspired and hungry after all of this play looked about for something to eat.

Now the Senior Developer had a boxed lunch, it was full of nasty healthy things in it. Goldynet took a bite and spat it on the keyboard "YUCK LETTUCE! HORRID STUFF!"

The Beta tester had a least a Soda and a sandwich but the Soda was Diet Flavoured and the sandwich was all anchovies. "BLEACH! BLAAAAAAAH!" Goldynet screamed and threw it

against the wall. HORRID stuff!

Now the little little baby recruit had a box full of meaty pizza and a two four of beer hidden under the desk. So of course, naturally Goldynet decided to eat it all. And of

course, as a courtesy, finished up all the beer.

Naughty naughty Goldynet.

Now after all of eating and playing, Goldynet was quite tired. So first off, she tried the Senior Developers chair. But it was far too hard because the senior developer just

wouldn't down, being a busy person.

Then Goldynet tried the Beta testers chair. However the Beta testers chair was all worn out and full of spiky things to poke into the beta when things went wrong.

Then Goldynet looked and found a fully extendable sofa bed laid out for the little little little baby recruit, since the little baby recruit was being so gently taken care of.

And so of course, completely full and tired and drunken. Goldynet crashed out UNDER the couch, which of course makes absolutely no sense. But's it my story so go away.... Keep

your opinions out of my story.

Now it's 6:00am in the morning and the three developers, having just left the land of Drinky drinky, arrived to work.

The first thing they noticed was the large hole in the door. Oh my! Who could have done such a thing.

The next thing they noticed was the rather disorganized state of their magic office.

"Somebody's been playing with MY COMPUTER" said the senior developer

"Somebody' been playing with MY COMPUTER and pooped in the application pool!" said the Beta tester

"AND SOMEBODY'S BEEN PLAYING WITH MY COMPUTER AND ERASED ALL MY POR..... HEY HOW COME IT HAS A BLUE SCREEN WITH 38911 Bytes FREE?" Said the little little baby recruit

Then they noticed their lunches.

"SOMEBODY'S been eating my lunch!" Said the senior developer

"SOMEBODY'S been eating my lunch and threw it all over the floor!" Said the beta tester

".... and SOMEBODY's ate my lunch and drank all my BEE..... I mean my MILK" cried the little little baby recruit.

... OH MY!

Then they looked. The chairs.

"SOMEBODY SAT IN MY CHAIR! And it REEEEKS!" Said the senior developer

"SOMEBODY SAT IN MY CHAIR and bent the poky spikes in it " Said the beta tester

"And somebody opened my big comfy sofa couch and is nowhere to be found..." Said the little little baby recruit.

... And then Goldynet Groaned a terrible groan and let out a terrible amount of methane (what with all the Pizza and Beer and anchovies?!? What would you expect?!)

The sound terrified the three developers as they leapt back as the the giant sofa came to life (or more Goldynet, being a very fat Network Admistrator stood up taking the couch

with him.

And so the three developers ran for the very lives from the terrifying Sofa bed monster who must eaten up all the food and computers and destroyed the chairs and made the big

hole in the door. I mean isn't that what sofa bed monsters do?

And so of course Goldynet, under the cover of being a giant Sofa bed monster, crept or more klumped or stumbled back into his office and doctored all the security tapes to make

it look like the developers had broken their own in a drunken stupor.

and so... only GOLDYNET lived happily ever after

The end.

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